Co-Authored by Chavisa Horemans, MES, CDC, ICF, CTRC and Emry Kettle, Child Behavior Specialist and Parent Coach.
Separation and Divorce Coach Chavisa Horemans and Child Behavior Specialist Emry Kettle are joining forces to help you know when to get support! We will discuss what our respective services provide, and how to know when it’s time to utilize these effective supports.
Handling Separation and Divorce
The spectrum of de-couplings range from mutually agreed upon breakups to abusive legal battle divorces. In the United States alone, 43% of first marriages end in divorce and 24% of those divorces end because of abuse.
Making the decision to decouple is almost never an easy one. Quite often it leads to feeling overwhelmed. Separation and divorce – however friendly – still impact the social, emotional, and financial aspects of your life. Legal processes are often challenging negotiations with long-term implications (to say nothing of the paperwork!). Having supportive and effective coaching during this period of transition can help you to navigate, strategize, problem-solve and make informed decisions to safeguard you and your child.
Divorce by its nature is frequently traumatic. As a trauma-informed divorce coach (in addition to my master degree and certification in trauma recovery), I (Chavisa) specialize in working with parents in high-conflict disputes. Using my expertise in gender-based violence, hidden abuse, financial abuse and post-separation abuse, I am able to help people (often parents!) increase the safety and wellbeing for themselves and their children. The work doesn’t end there – we then begin the rich process of recovering and rebuilding a life you love.
The breakdown of a marriage can also impact your relationships with family and friends. Because divorce is often an extended and traumatic process, those going through it commonly rely on their close contacts for support. Unfortunately, most well-meaning folks are ill-equipped to offer appropriate help, and become overwhelmed by the intensity of the divorce process. This can quickly strain those relationships, sometimes leading to the loss of relationships when needed most.
By securing the support of a separation and divorce coach, a person in relationship transition has effective support they can rely on, through even the toughest of terrains. This takes weight off of your close network, and allows your friends and family to be present for you in the capacity that they’re able, and ensures you get skilled accompaniment.
How a Separation and Divorce Coach can Help
Offer tailored strategies, navigation insights, problem-solving, and resources
Transitioning from parenting to co-parenting
Prioritizes your safety and helps you to build safety plans
Extraction from gender-based violence, hidden abuse, financial abuse, and post-separation abuse
Holistic healing and trauma recovery
Support to rebuild your life so that you thrive
Have you gotten my free guide? Grab it now!
When to get Help for Your Kids During Separation and Divorce
Parent coaches help parents to identify the areas where their communication isn’t as effective as they would like – whether that’s language or behavior based! The goal is always to help parent and child find the path to a meaningful, consent-based relationship full of support and growth.
Here is a non-exhaustive list of some things that should alert you that the situation is perhaps becoming larger than your current skill sets, and that it's time to get help for you and your kids:
You and/or your child are often dysregulated
You struggle to find neutral or positive language to discuss your ex-partner/your co-parent
Your child is exhibiting regressive and/or aggressive behaviors
You are frequently triggered by your child’s behavior
Your child’s school life is changing: shifts in friendships, grades, behavior
Constantly feeling overwhelmed
However, before we can begin making a parenting plan, Priority Number One is that parents take care of themselves! Consider the airplane oxygen mask scenario: When flight attendants give safety talks on an airplane, they make it very clear that a parent should put on their own mask first before helping their child. We can only be our most capable for our children when we have properly taken care of ourselves.
Safety and Survival Mode
We are not our best selves when we are in survival mode. “Survival mode” comes about through continuous, unresolved stress, and can look like:
Moodiness and being short-tempered
Difficulty focusing, making decisions, and inability to rest and restore
Increased alcohol and/or drug use (pharmaceutical and illicit)
Survival mode brings us to a place of desperately needing safety. Safety includes physical, emotional, mental, environmental, financial, and spiritual aspects. When the majority of your energy is going toward safety and survival, it is an indicator that additional support would be beneficial and is likely needed.
Working with professionals who specialize in the area that is causing you the most distress will help you find your footing on an otherwise slippery slope. We believe that you deserve all the available support structures to help bring you and your loved ones safely through this disruptive time.
Balancing Your Needs with Your Child’s Needs
In my experience as a parent coach, I (Emry) have seen parents prioritize their children’s needs over their own, which has led to complications in every single case I have witnessed. Here’s why: Parents in survival mode struggle to stay grounded and centered in their parenting goals. Some might even experience complex feelings such as guilt, shame, or grief over the stressful situation their child is enduring alongside them.
This tumultuous time is when children crucially need structure and boundaries to continue thriving, and is often the time when that is the hardest thing for the parent to implement. Children thrive in structure (not constraint!), so when parents are focused on safety, having an additional person (like a coach) helps them maintain that structure.
Keeping the oxygen mask analogy in mind, it is imperative that the parent puts the oxygen mask on themselves in order to effectively affix the oxygen mask to their child.
How a parent coach can help:
Help you identify your triggers, your child’s triggers
Offer coping strategy ideas
Help you select family goals that are in line with your values
Offer tailored resources for your particular situation
Give you language to talk about these big issues and big feelings that is in line with your goals
Picking What’s Right for You
We are passionate about client care. You can rely on professionals like us to help you stay focused on improving your circumstances. Not only do we have a bountiful supply of tools in our toolbox, but we pair that with bottomless empathy to give you personalized support at your pace. Let us put our expertise to work for you.
Chavisa Horemans, MES, CDC, CTRC
Chavisa Horemans, is the owner of The Mother Corp. Her trauma-informed separation and divorce coaching practice is evidence-based and holistic. Chavisa specializes in parents in high-conflict disputes, gender-based violence, hidden abuse, and post-separation abuse.
To join her community of professionals, click here to get started.
For Individuals, join me here to get started.
Chavisa can be reached at themothercorp@proton.me (secure email), or www.themothercorp.com/contact
Emry Kettle, B. EC Dev
Emry is a child behavior specialist who has spent their career focusing on communication issues and neurodivergence. Their goal is to use evidence-based practices to empower parents to make informed choices about their parenting style so they can create loving environments and happy healthy families. Emry offers group and individual coaching sessions, on-demand resources, and workshops.
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